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A mate of mine started writing these stories about 6 months ago and have been a killer at my school. Everyone agrees that they are hilarious, but you as a reader might not as there is a lot of characters that you would need to know for the jokes to be funny. Anyway, excusing his terrible grammar here we are. (P.S. Daniel McCrawly gets really pissed off when you say his name wrong.)
THE HARD ON(E) "Shes dead" (he was talking about some dead bird) detective Gardiner said . PC McCrowley looked at Detective Gardiner with a look of envy because he knew he’d never be as clever or hard as Peter as a result of the fact that McCrowley had the I.Q of a sponge cake. "Cover her up .......oh and put that f**king spliff out , you lanky long haired hippy freak" barked Peter "yes sir" whined Dan . "Hold on , look" Peter had spotted the bullett hole in her head "the only man who would be so much of a wuss that would only kill a girl is Joe Volke "I’ll go around his house in Brighton and give him a f**king good kicking . "now sod of the lot of you" said peter as he drove down the road in his jaguar (not the animal , I mean the car you *******) Detective Peter gunned the engine of his jaguar taking the hair pin bend at 150 miles per hour very easyly . "oh sir don’t go so fast , because I’m a coward and I’m not as hard as you" whined PC McCrowley . "Fast?" snarled peter "fast is when you’re doing three hundred in your formula one racing car round the track at Monte Carlo , which I have done many times". He pulled up in front of THE GARDINER ZONE which was the newest , hippest , funkiest , hip-hop happing place in worthing . As peter entered all the girls said "wow he looks soooooooo sexy" then dan followed him in and all the girls said "oh my god I’m going to throw up" but then Joe Volke walked in and said in his high pitched voice "oooohhhhh hello ducky" as he danced to the music of the village people . "hey there’s no room for queers in here" shouted peter as he used his skills as a black belt in oragami and took Joe’s head off with a sharp slice of pineapple."sir sir look" screamed Daniel in his girly voice "it’s GODZILLA and he’s trying to destroy THE GARDINER ZONE , oh this is scary , I’ll have to indulge in my crazy drug addiction to calm myself down" whined Dan . "Don’t get out those magic mushrooms just yet"said peter in his nomal sexy voice"I’m going to turn GODZILLA into a new pair of boots" . After he had splattered GODZILLA all over the high street , peter , with the aid of his trusty sidekick (Spammo the talking monkey) , went on to take over the whole of worthing then the whole of England , and then .................... THE WHOLE WORLD , HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA (evil laugh) Epilogue: Then peter woke up in bed and relised it was all a dream , "Oh come back to bed , honey" murmered Carol Vorderman ."Oooooooooohhhhhhhhh give me a vowel please Carol you sex kitten" whispered Peter "lets go for a drive". Carol Vorderman was one of his many girlfriends and he had just rescued her from an international gang of drug dealers (their leader was Daniel McCrowolerleyerlowlery , or however you spell that stupid surname) they had been torturing her with leather whips and batons but when peter had tryed to rescue her it turned out she was paying them to do it because she was really into that kinky stuff (so was peter actually but he never had enough money to pay a prostitute to spank him) . "You sure know how to handle a fast car" she said "Yeah" he said "I know all the tricks , keep it cool , drive on the left side of the road because we’re abroad" but then 4 police cars sped around the corner "oh shit" said Peter "they must be after me because I ...........erm ............... ‘touched’ those little children" "WHAT" screamed Carol ‘ he replyed "oh come on babe , we all want to touch young boys every now and again , I’ll lose them on the next bend" but Carol screamed "wait this car is a SKODA" but it was too late , as soon as peter touched the brakes the whole car blow up because it was such a crap make . "But the salesman told me it was a jaguar not a Skoda .....................honest .
The Day Peter Went Completely Off His Head And KILLED Everyone Peter walked into his class in his usual sexy walk and sat down , snakey boy was hissing away like some demented hose then Ms Kelly walked in "Peter , your chair is two centermetres out of place , that’s a 45 minute detention" , being a rebel Peter just walked off to maths . As usual Nick and Kianoshloshuponthelosh were kicking peters chair and being generally gay , Peter sat down next to seventies throw back Daniel McCrapley , he spluttered "Hey man , I like totally oppose your like right wing oppressive goverment man , like make love not war man" next to him was G.I Joe "hey Peter I just dropped my pencil could you just BEND over and pick it up , please" Peter simply replied "NO just **** off you **********" joe replied in his girly to "oh allright , you gorgeous hunk" he whispered . "Right that’s it" peter screamed , Daniel said "hey man , like mellow out dude" , "mellow out on this you Marilin Manson obsessed freak of nature" Peter screamed as he shot Daniel in the chest with a shotgun "like whoa dude , I like totally don’t dig this man" he said as his insides seeped onto the cheap carpet . "Hey peter like to give me one up the bum" said joe "sure do joe" said peter as he shuffed his shotgun up it and blew joes head off" . Peter then went to Business studies , as soon as he got in the room micheal screamed "wheee wooow arrrrrr lay le lay le ay" as he tried to get out of his strait jacket . Peter poured out a whole bucketful of liquid on the madman , the loony boy squeled "hey what is this stuff" "gasoline" peter replied , Micheal got half way through the sentance "oh , I’ve wasted my life" before peter chucked a match at him and turned him into nelson burgers . General Garrad had seen the whole thing "right cadet" he shouted "drop and give me 20" peter replied "OK General" as he pumped 20 shells into the ex marines body . Peter used the remaining gasoline to set fire to the whole school and then the whole of england and then...........................THE WHOLE WORLD HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA THE END "damn it" peter said after he had set the whole world on fire "my trousers have caught on fire , I’ll just use what’s left off this gasoline to put it out..................hold on isn’t gasoline extremly flammaAAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHH .
Tough Guy On Mean Streets (The Hard One 2) A Novel By who the hell do you think? (Peter Gardiner, you idiot) ‘Cha cho chian’ said Inspector Gardiner in fluent Vietnamese. The vietnamese waiter smiled and said something back in Vietnamese very fast which was a joke and Briggs laughed and winked at him. "Good joke" he said and all the girls (in the new nightclub ‘gardiner zone’) from baywatch that were sitting at the table were impressed. "So you speak Vietnamese" said one of the girls, "yeah snarled Peter and a smile played on his lips that quickly turned into a look of anger and fear and then turned into a smile again. He’d just had a flashback to Vietnam where he won loads of medals for running up to a machine gun nest with a red hanky round his head. He’d also wrestled babies from crocodiles. Just then a spindly long haired twat walked into the room
with a 10 foot long spliff in his mouth, Peter saw that it was Daniel Peter immediately drove to the crime scene in his lotus which didn’t look anything like that skoda he used to have. "Alright" shouted peter at the fast food resturant "get out there now before I get angry" the ELITE replied "go away or we start killing hostages" "ha I don’t care" replied peter "alright, we have your mother, your pet cat and your childhood teddybear ‘mr fluffy’ and if you don’t give into our demands we’ll destroy them all" peter said back"I don’t really give a flying ****" "alright then if you don’t give into our demands we’ll........................destroy all the bigmacs in here one by one" "YOU EVIL SCUM" peter shouted "I’LL KILL YOU ALL IF YOU HARM A SINGLE BURGER IN THERE". "oh crap he means it" said one "lets leg it" and they all ran out the back door, but peter was ready for them and had set up a chalkboard with a maths question on it which made them all stop and try to work out, by the time they had got the answer the police had surrounded them. "Well I win the day again" said Peter "aren’t I amazing" then one of the ELITE spoke out as they were being loaded into a police van "and we would’ve got away with it if it wasn’t for those darn kids" everyone looked at him "oh sorry, I thought I was in a episode of scooby doo for a second there", THE END
The Adventures Of Bat Pete and his sidekick Spammo the talking monkey
Bat pete glided through the night air like some big glidey thing "come , Spammo we have much crime to fight, Bognor Regis is full of drug pushers and armed robbers, we must be there to protect the innocent" Bat Pete said with his big, hard ,booming voice "oh piss off bat pratt" shouted spammo "I’m sick of prancing around town like a big poof and I’m sick of these tights I’ve got on and why do I have to wear these Y-fronts on the outside?" "because thats what superheroes wear" said peter "and don’t use bad language like that , I’ll give you such a spank for that" just then the cheif of police pulled up "hi bat pete what are you doing ?" pete replied " oh hi chief I’m just spanking my monkey" there was a long uncomfortable pause "oh" said the chief "I was going to tell you there was a break out at Bognor Regis asylum but I’ll just.........er............leave you alone". "a break out at Bognor asylum , quickly spammo pull your tights back up and get into the petemobile" (which was just a scoda which had been painted blue) . As soon as batpete arrived he immediately summed up the situation using his enourmus intellect "look" he shouted "theres the insane fiend mental boy mickey , and he’s mananeged to get out of his straitjacket" "waaa weeee woooo aaaa" cackeled micheal ‘head case’ nelson "well you pointy eared idiot what are you going to do now?" what mental mickey had failed to notice was that batpete was still in his petemobile "EAT TYRE" screamed pete as he slammed down on the accelarator . After pete had washed of what was left of nelson on his bumper he headed after the next villian which was the evil INSPECTOR GADGET and his dog gizmo or sprocket or whatever that stupid dog was called . "thats far enough gadget , you’re still wanted for questioning after you were found with that 7 year old girl and why did you have cheese smeared all over your privates you dirty pedifile?" shouted pete "well kids will do anything for the taste of dairylea" he replied "beside all I was doing was hanging around outside that play school watching those little girls skipping past.......skipping .........skiiiiiiippppiiinnngg" gadget said as he began to drool . "You dirty pervert" said peter "why don’t you go to that brothel on 31 west street.................... not that I’ve ever been or anything" said pete as he zapped him with his eye lazer ‘ Then pete caught up with the last villian who was swinging spliff smoking seventies superstar (daniel McCshitly) and his evil side kick bender boy (Joe Volke) . "Thats far enough" said pete "ah I see you’ve tryed to disguise yourself by putting on black nail varnish , growing your hair 3 yards long and dying it with.......................ribena?!!!?!!" said pete "NO NO NO it makes me look like Marilin Manson" screeched the purple haired mistake of nature "Marilin who?" said pete "I’ve never heard of him" he added as he used all his ninja black belt kung fu techniques to shoot Dan with a gun . "And I see joe is still wearing .....................that leather thong" said pete shocked by the sheer gayness of him "oooooooooooohhh hellooooooo duckey" joe gayly said . All peter had to do was slap on YMCA on his car cd player and joe couldn’t help dancing to it untill the police arrived . "well" said peter "bogner regis is safe again.............but for how long?" THE END?
CLASH OF THE CLANS A novel by Petero Gardinero Sergent Peter walked into the office sexily and sat down "at ease sergent" said the admiral "we,ve got a new mission for you. seems there's trouble at worthing high. From what we've heard it all started when the elite(suck ups, boffins) sang coom-by-ah my lord coom-by-ah' at the school assembly of course this angered the satanists who then attacked the elite, the hard kids also got stuck in just for the hell of it while the retards just sat there and hummed to themselves quitely. We want you to go in there and sort them out" "aliright I'll do it" said peter in a gruff,deep, sexy voice.The helicopter hovered over the school , the pilot said "ok sir, here's your parachute" peter punched him in the face(the pilot later died as the punch was so hard) "PARACHUTE!!!!" peter screamed "only wusses use parachutes, I'm going in Gardiner style" and with that he jumped off the helicopter and cushioned his 20,000 foot fall by landing in a puddle. Peter walked down the corridors and headed towards the first classroom which the satanists were in, he snuck in easily as they were busy sacrificing a goat and splashing its blood on the walls then their leader Daniel(l'll not bother with a sumame) saw him "sieze the infediel my brothers, we'll sacrifice him to the dark lord" Peter was ready for a punch up then he realised they were all so stoned that not only could they not grab him but they couldn't stand up either, they were all rolling around on the floor, Peter simply doused them all in petrol (he always bums someone in every story) and chucked a match at them, on the way to the next clan hide out peter was stopped by retard robert "I'm gonna bici-* Your head offwith this gun" he said in a high pitched girly voice "that's not a gun rob........... that's a shoe" rob replied "it may be a shoe but its still loaded" peter sighed at the sheer stupidity of him and got rid of him by handing him a 6 piece jigsaw which kept rob entertained for hours. Peter made it to the final clan which was THE ELITE(dramatic music) their leader VEGETARIAN WOMAN(more dramatic music) stopped him and said "not so fast you meat eating scum, you can not stop us, we're to clever and once our solar powered laser is finished we'll hold the whole world to ransom ha ha ha ha (evil laugh)ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha AAARRRGGHHH YOU JUST SHOT ME IN THE FACE YOU "Yet again anothermission done by me, aren't I just fantastic" said peter as he overtook a car in his BMW but then he realised the car he was overtaking was a SKODA and before he could swerve out the way the skoda's wheels flew off and it collided with peter, peters BMWs airbags went off making it impossible to see where he was going and he crashed in to a giant mongoose(don't ask me what it is I don't know) and died. THE END (I doubt it)
MISSION IMPOSSIBLY STUPID BY PERVY PETE GARDINER
Peter walked into his room and looked at the posters on his wall, they were all of him, the radio was on which was playing Peters new single ‘Damn, I’m good’ and the TV was on which was talking about Peters latest bestseller ‘why I’m so damn good’ . Peters name was not actually his real name because Peter is actually a secret agent working for Asda, he had just been sent a new mission on tape which Peter played on his hifi "good afternoon agent Gardinero (peters real name) how are you" said the tape "fine thank you" said Peter and then realised how stupid it was to talk to a tape, "your mission if you choose to accept it is to infiltrate the different clans of worthing hell school, if you are caught Asda deny any connection to you and tell you to sod off, this tape will self destuct .............any...............second..............NOW" KABLOOM. After the fire brigade had put out what was left of Peters house Peter went to the school to carry out his mission. The first clan Peter infiltrated were THE SATANISTS who were also known as devil worshippers, hippies and freaks, he sneaked into their group by wearing a 10 foot long wig, having on a leather jacket and saying ‘groovy’ alot. As he stood near he could just hear their conversation "hey Dan I saw your story about peter" said someone "really?" replied Dan "its crap isn’t it , I can’t compete with peters excellant storytelling skills, the only reason I wrote it is because I’m jealous of peter as he gets all the girls and stars in such great movies as ‘the adventures of Peter’ and ‘Gardiner:the man behind the legend’ Peter had heard enough and decided to destroy them all which he did so by soaking them with holy water and singing ‘god loves us all’. The next clan he snuck into was THE HARD KIDS , also known as bullies or sir. Everthing was going fine untill someone said "remember the time Peter got mugged by that one armed man" then Peter shouted out "I’m telling you he had 20 of his mates with him and they were all pro wrestlers..................oh shit I’ve blown it haven’t I?", After they had taught Peter new meanings of pain he infiltrated the last clan THE ELITE also known as brainiacs, suck ups and smart arses , he snuck in undetected by combing his hair so it had a side parting the size of the grand canyon, pretending to have a lisp and a stupidly high pitched laugh. One of them said to him "what are your views on the social implications on east Africa?" peter replied "er........I think the vectrum of the rectum is perpindicular to the angular of the dangular" "interesting" they replied "why don’t you eat up your VEGGIE BURGER" "oh fine" peter replied "I’ll just eat this lovely veggie burger with carrots and lettuce and.........................soya beans in it, NOOOOOOOOO I CAN’T TAKE IT, I’LL DIE BEFORE I EAT YOUR DISGUSTING SLIMY VEGETABLES" he then ate the suicide pill he had for this kind of situation and died and thousands of girls came to his funeral and all the boys were happy because peter always stole their girlfriends and then beat them up if they objected.
THE END(OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOWN IT, AS THE SONG GOES)
Peter’s top 3 party games (by Peter J.S.E.R.G.H.S.X.X.X.F.H.I Gardiner) 1) 4 or more players sit round in a circle . The player nearest the one next to him deals . Whilst the deal is going on the other players have to either impersonate Daniel McC???ly (by wearing a purple wig and saying "far out man") or Olliver Catchpole (by shrinking two feet and putting marmalade on your hair) or Peter Gardiner (by growing bulging muscles and walking in a sexy manner). Each player has 7 cards , apart from the eldest one who has 9 and the other 3 players who have 6 . Then the last player nearest the one who last went to the lavatory runs out of the room , taking his cards with him and goes to see an erotic film(prefreably ‘peters solo adventure in the bathroom’) at the cinema . The next player must either also go and see the film or if he has a jack , queen or king he goes to the ‘boys boys boys’ strip club . The 2 remaining players can either go to the pub or hire a prostitute(prefrably Eddward Antcliffes mum). The winner is the one nearest the mantlepiece. 2) The dealer deals 6 cards to each player . They all then see who can remain motionless longest . The first player to move gets his head kicked in by the other players. 3) A word game for 2 to 4 players . The four players sit from left to right and the first person to write a complete novel wins.
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CHILDRENS PAGE
Hello children ,this is uncle Peter welcoming you to my home , and if you’re good we can go into my bedroom later and have all sorts of adventures . Here are some stories for you to read while I put my leather suit on. One day , Rikki the magic Pixie , went to visit Daisy Bumble in her tumbledown cottage . he found her in the bedroom . Roughly he grabbed her heaving shoulders pulling her down on to the bed and ***** her with a melon. Old Nick , the sea captain was a rough tough jolly sort of fellow . He loved the life of the sea and he loved to hang out down by the pier where the men dressed as ladies and***** and he loved doing ************* to them. Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the Magic oak tree by the wobbly dum dum tree in the shade of the magic glade down in Dingly Dell . Here he sold contraceptives , ************** and various ******* naked ******* f***** ******** sh** ***** with vasiline. Well that was fun wasn’t it , now would any of you like to suck my lollipop? and don’t worry I’m only a pedifile.
The Hair of the Dark Side starring Sylvester Stallone as Peter Carol Voderman as Daniel and Pamela Anderson as Peter’s girlfriend with Julian Clary as Joe A story by Sir Peter Gardiner Peter walked to school strutting his stuff in his usual sexy , successful , sophisticated , suave , smooth , succulent (and any other words beginning with ‘S’) walk , he had just turned down a job in the chippendales as he regarded them as ‘a bunch of poofs’ and he had invited them all to ‘come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough’ . Unknown to peter was that a seagull was flying above his head , this seagull had been exposed to a large amount of radiation (don’t bother to ask me how because I don’t know , just read the bloody story) unfortunately the seagull crapped on peters head "oh no" screamed peter in a gruff manly tone "my hair is ruined , I spent hours combing it" then a strange glow surrounded peter "wow I’ve gained super human powers , from this day forward I shall be known as SUPER PETER and I shall wear skin tight costumes , wear my underpants on the outside and have a sidekick who says "holy texas tornados superpete" all the time . The same seagull then flew over Worthing high school and right over Daniel McC????ly , daniel was talking to all his drug crazed ,devil worshipping , spliff smoking , leather wearing friends who all had 10 foot long hair but then the radioactive crap landed on his hair "wooooh bad karma dude" said dan in a stoned out hippy way , but this time the radiation mixed with whatever he had dyed his hair with giving it life "at last" screamed the hair "I am free of that skanky head , and I’m going to destroy you all" . Later on peter flew(one of his new abilities) in to school and saw Joe walking right into the claws of the hair beast from hell . Joe hadn’t seen it because he was so busy trying to think up knew ways to torment poor , innocent (sexy) peter , then he was grabbed by the hideous hair monster "oh no" shouted peter "joe is being eaten alive , maybe I should rescue him.........................or I could just watch him in pain and laugh at him" after peter had seen joe being devoured messily he saw the hair thing again he thought it was eating a gingerbread man but it turned out to be Olly Catchpole (what kind of stupid surname is that?) . With his enourmus intellect peter thought that he could defeat the monster by splashing it with normal dye for normal hair instead of paint stripper which is what Daniel used in the first place . Peter grabbed a bottle of ‘just for men’ and chucked it at the haircutters mistake which then shrivelled up and died .Peter then went on to become a underpants model and a pro wrestler whilst having a part time job as a male prostitute and any one who had been cruel to him (I could name a few hundred) in worthing high school had all died a very horrible death . THE END
A Match Made In Hell by Peter Sally Gardiner Robert Macy/Hodges/wanker sat down on his stool in science and let out a big sigh "whats wrong with you" said Peter in a low , gravelly and downright sexy kind of voice "you wouldn’t understand" replied Robert in a weedy , girly kind of voice "I’m in love" (he really did say that) "but you wouldn’t understand would you peter , you don’t love girls you just have amazing sex with them and the dump them , and girls don’t want to go out with you for your dazziling personality they just want you for your gorgeous body" "well that’s true" said Peter as he ran a comb through his silky , smooth and completely dandruff free hair . At the end of the day Robert walked home a girl(who doesn’t want to be named) from school he said to her "hey **** will you go out with me?" after she had stopped laughing she said "oh my god you’re serious" robert replied "I’ve never been more serious about anything in my live" as he looked at the ground , but , when he looked up she was already at the end of the road and still running , shouting the words "I’m going to be sick" . The next day everyone was taking the piss except Peter who would of said something really witty and funny but he was to busy kissing 12 girls at once , then Ms Kelly took the register when she got to ****s name she said "I take it ****s off beause she’s vomiting in nauseating disgust at what happened to her last night" every one laughed except for Robert who was hanging himself with his own tie . The people honoured Roberts death by using his dead body as a new speed bump for the school car park and then celebrated because Peter had just won the sexiest man in the world contest .................. for the forth time .
Police Memo Dear Chief Inspector You have probably already heard about the worthing high school massacre in the news and this is what we’ve uncovered so far . Apparently Peter Gardiner was a good bloke until his evil , nasty , bastardly , classmates teased and taunted him to a point where Peter believed his next door neighbours dog spike told him to kill them all . The first body we found when we searched the school was of Daniel McCr@@@y , apparently Peter had used Daniels decapitated head as a paint bucket and his sawn off arm as a brush to paint the words "he stole my calculator , he deserved to die" on a nearby wall he then knitted dans 6 foot hair into a rather nice jumper . As for Joe Volkes corpse the police still haven’t found his eyes yet . Next we found the remains of Edward Antcliffe who pete tryed to turn into a pair of snakeskin boots then he nailed a seagull to edds head . We then found Olliver Catchpole who had some how had his arse staplegunned to his face . When police caught up to peter walking home from school he maintained his innocence until they searched his back pack he was carrying and found Mrs Fryer’s head , peter tryed to explain this by saying it was his novelty pencilcase . Despite these offences I recommend we let peter go and give him a medal because all the people he killed were a bunch of w*nkers anyway . Your’s Sincerly John Gardiner ( father of Peter Gardiner ) (ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha)
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF DANIEL McCROLEY The alarm went off and Daniel McCrowly lifted up his ‘the beatles’ duvet and got up , the smell of spliffs filled his room as he put on a marilin manson album "aaaaaaaaa oooooooooo waaaaaaaaaa" screamed the CD as that idiot manson sung thinking he was actually a good singer . Daniel McCraxley walked to school with all his fellow seventies throw back mates as they discussed what happened at church on sunday...................the church of satan that is. "So after we had ritually sacrificed a chicken we gave our souls to the black master and listened to heavy metal music" said Dan as he tripped over his own hair , his hair was actually purple and although they had sent of a sample of his hair to the scientists at NASA all they could conclude was he had dyed his hair with a substance not of this earth . His first lesson was maths , he sat down next to peter gardiner which he hated because when he was near peter he felt so inferiour and jealous of him . What daniel McCrankily didn’t know was peter was slightly wrong in the head , peter kept hearing voices telling him to burn things and he kept cutting himself because his blood was evil and it had to come out . Joe Volke was also on dans table as well , joe actually liked maths because he enjoyed making peters life a living hell and he was probably the reason peter was in therapy and had to take pills , what Joe didn’t know was that peter was going rip his lungs out with a really big knife later on that day . Dan talked to pete about final fantasy 7 all lesson but pete wasn’t listening , pete was listening to the voices in his head which were telling him what to do to joe later on in the day . After school went to a Marilin Manson concert . "Wow this is groovy in a funky way" shouted the stupidly coloured hair lanky satanist freak with a stupid surname , What Daniel McC****ly didn’t know was that the lovable pyscho peter had soaked the whole place with gasoline because the voices in his head had told him to , he chucked a match at it screaming "THE EVIL MUST BURN , THE EVIL MUST BURN" after the place had burned down to the ground the voices told peter ‘sexy’ gardiner that he was also evil so he must also burn . THE END After peter had burned to death the voices in his head said "oh sorry mate , we were only joking".
PETER’S FIRST XMAS PARTY Peter was excited when the term ended because he had been invited to Xtal’s christmas party he was looking forward to playing such whizzy jolly fun games like pass the parcel . He had a bit of trouble finding the house as he was trying to find it using a map of Canada , when he reached the house he could hear music "oh goody I hope they’re playing Gary Glitter" but the man who answered the door said "allright mate , the joint room’s upstairs and the booze is in the kitchen" "BOOZE" peter replied "the forbidden liquid!!???!?!?!................but if I drink that I’ll burn in hell for eternity , oh I get it , you’re just joking". Peter strolled intp the kitchen anyway , "PETER" shouted Daniel McC&^%$�ey as he walked towards him with every one tripping up on his 20 foot long purpleish redish blueish greenish hair (what daniel didn’t know was that his hair was actually a living breathing EVIL creature and later on it would devour him messily) "didn’t think you’d make it" said dan in his annoyingly girly tone of voice(he still hadn’t hit puberty) "well the minestry of sound was getting boring" replied peter in his sly , witty , sophisticated and down right sexy tone voice as his killer sense of humour kicked in (actually peter got all his jokes from repeats of the flintstones) "oh yeah" screeched Daniel McCrowley "Joe Volke will be coming around , you know, the guy who mentally and physically tortures you every maths lesson" "AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH" screamed Peter . Then Joe (he will burn for eternity in the deepest bowels of hell) Volke arrived and saw our handsome hero (I’m talking about peter you idiot) "oh good" thought Joe "now I can continue my work on completely destroying peter’s self esteem and feeling of self worth" the reason Joe was doing this was because Joe was actually an agent of SATAN who was ordered to destroy Peter because peter is the son of GOD (although his older brother jesus Christ got all the credit , all peter got was some crappy hill in Bournemouth named after him). Luckily Peter had already left , unluckily all the strange fumes in the house were beginning to have an effect on Peter . "I AM THE MUSHROOM KING" peter screamed "AND ALL THOSE WHO OPPOSE ME WILL DIE" he shouted as he soaked the house with gasoline , unfortunately he got some on his clothes so he tryed to burn it off and was turned into a human fireball , when everyone from the party went out side they saw peter’s charred remains and said "oooooooooohhhhhhh someones left a roast chicken out here , lets have it for dinner" THE END
"MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH , mmmmmmm pass me another leg will you" said joe , then he said to himself "now peter is out of the way my dark master will rule the earth ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha............hey this leg tastes bone crunchingly good. needs a little salt though.
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